The Friendly Skies

(I wrote this bit over a year ago. This past week I see that Southwest Airlines is running a commericial that is a 30-second version of this piece. Dang! Should have published it somewhere so I could sue ;-)

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Good morning and welcome to flight 171, non-stop from Boston to San Francisco. Our flight time will be approximately six hours and 35 minutes. We will be pushing away from the gate in a few minutes. While we are waiting let me familiarize you with the safety features of our aircraft and also advise you of the amenities that are available to everyone in Economy Class.

Shortly after takeoff, the flight attendants will come through the cabin and provide you with a choice of four different meals – pre-prepared snack boxes, actually. You can purchase these healthy and tasty meals for $5, cash only. Since we are making food available, company regulations require that if you want to eat, you must purchase a meal: if you brought your own food on board, you must keep it securely stowed in the overhead compartments until we have landed and are safely at the gate in San Francisco. Regulations require that we confiscate any personal food that you might have at your seat. Confiscated food can be retrieved at the gate when you exit the aircraft at our destination.

Beverages are also available. Cocktails, wine and beer can be purchased for $5, cash only. Bottled water and soda can also be purchased for the modest charge of $2.50. Again, company regulations require that if you want anything to drink, you must purchase it from a flight attendant. All personal liquids must be securely stowed in the overhead compartments. Please don’t make us confiscate your personal beverages – this is a long flight and it will be easier for everyone if you observe all safety and amenity regulations.

Everyone in Economy Class purchased a standard Economy Seat – your seat assignment is printed on your boarding pass. Our standard Economy Seats provide acceptable comfort for many passengers. For those who would like more room to stretch their legs or to accommodate their large American bodies, we provide Economy Plus Seating. These seats give you an additional five inches of leg room and two additional notches of recline capability – they can make this long flight much more comfortable. Economy Seating is available for $59 – cash is preferred but we can also hold your credit card to guarantee payment.

Please do not change to an Economy Plus Seat unless you have purchased that amenity. Although there are many unused seats on this flight, regulations require that you accept the standard Economy comfort level unless you have purchased an upgrade. Your safety and comfort are important to us but this is, after all, a business. If a flight attendant observes a passenger in unpurchased seating, you will be given one opportunity to purchase an upgrade – if you decline you must immediately return to your assigned Economy seat. If you resist or are discovered a second time in unauthorized seating, the Patriot Act requires that we stow you securely in the special TSA overhead locker. I’ll remind you that this is a very long flight and it will be easier for you and your fellow passengers if you simply follow orders. Thanks in advance for your compliance

Our Boeing 737 aircraft is equipped with four restrooms in the Economy cabin – two forward and two aft. The aft restrooms include a primitive but safe commode that should suffice for many passengers especially for those passengers from the third world. The forward restrooms include flush toilets, running water and a sink as well as additional amenities such as paper products and soap. These Economy Plus Restrooms are available as an upgrade. A one-time use charge of $7.50, cash only, is available for purchase. For $22 you can purchase a pass entitling you to unlimited use for the duration of the flight. You can combine the Economy Plus Seating and Economy Plus Restroom unlimited use package for the special rate of $75 – a savings of $6.

If you are observed using an Economy Plus Restroom but have not purchased a pass, you will immediately be securely stowed in the TSA overhead locker as required by regulations. We regret the inconvenience but it is only fair: your fellow passengers who have purchased the restroom upgrade should not be impeded in accessing the facilities. Also, Homeland Security Administrations regulations require or at least condone this strong response.

This Boston to San Francisco flight is mostly over land but we have designed a flight plan that takes us over many of the Great Lakes, several major rivers, the Great Salt Lake and Lake Tahoe so that you can experience the natural wonders of our great nation. With so much water below, there is always a possibility of a water landing. Our 737 aircraft is equipped with flotation cushions built into each of the standard Economy seats. In the event of a water landing, simply pull the seat cushion up, slip your arms through the straps and clutch the cushion to you chest. Each Economy Seat Cushion will support a 100 pound person for approximately 10 minutes. This may be sufficient for some passengers. If you prefer additional flotation capability, an upgrade Economy Plus Seat Cushion capable of supporting 200 pounds for up to one hour is available for $20. We suggest that you make these purchases ahead of time. The flight attendants are likely to be the first ones out of the plane and may not be available to handle last-minute purchases.

In the unlikely event of the loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically deploy from the overhead. Pull the mask over your nose and mouth, secure the strap around your head and breathe normally. Each mask will provide approximately 5 minutes of oxygen. This will be sufficient for many of our Economy passengers. If you are prone to panic or hyperventilation or if you would simply prefer additional breathing comfort, you can purchase Economy Plus Oxygen Tokens that entitle you to an additional supply of this healthy, life-giving gas. Each $10 token gives you an additional 5 minutes of oxygen. Again, we recommend that you purchase your tokens ahead of time, especially if you don’t have exact change. I’m sure you can appreciate that your flight attendants will be quite busy in the event of a loss of cabin pressure – frankly, all hell will break loose. When buying your tokens remember that this is a very long flight and plan accordingly.

All of the Economy class upgrades are described on page 169 of your InFlight magazine. In addition to those I have just mentioned, other amenities are available including:

Economy Plus Music: Economy Music delivers only gangsta rap music and you are required to listen for the duration of the flight. Economy Plus Music includes a full range of entertainment options including silence.

Economy Plus Movies: Economy Movies consist of a continuous loop of Can’t Stop the Music starring the Village People – the sound delivered with this movie is taken from the Economy Music channel. Economy Plus Movies feature current movie hits including the matching sound.

Economy Plus Airsickness Bags – especially handy if you have not opted for the
Economy Plus Restroom upgrade.

Economy Plus Aisle Passes – entitle you to walk freely up and down the aisle throughout the flight. Unlike standard Economy passengers, you are not restricted to aisle access during short, randomly chosen intervals.

Refer to page 169 of InFlight magazine for a complete list of prices and penalties.

The captain has just signaled that we are ready to push away from the gate. Turn off all electronic devices and leave them off for the duration of the flight. There are no exceptions and violations will be dealt with as we deem appropriate. I think you know by now what that means. We are in absolute control of your safety for the next six and a half hours. We strongly advise that you consider all your options.

Thank you for flying the Friendly Skies. Please assume the position in preparation for takeoff.